Denise R. Weuve

Ink Damage and Other Permanent Stains

Are You Agnostic?

Are you a Christian?
Do You have Faith?
Are you a Buddhist?
Do you believe?
Are you an Atheist?

None of these questions surprise me. I’ve been asked and I have answered to the mood that suited me at the time. I have answered for the state in which I was in. I don’t want to be any of them, and maybe all. Perhaps because how someone answers this question has nothing to do with how I see them. I do not want to be judged by this answer either.  The person you are is never dependent on your religion but your character. You are what your core is built upon. At least to me.

But “Are you Agnostic?” that question throws me.

AGNOSTIC-One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God. One who is doubtful or noncommittal. (dictionary.com)

What a brilliant question. What a brilliant assessment of humanity. Aren’t we all?
Is it truly possible to live without doubt?  To be 100% sure that there is not only a god, but a purpose?  Do we not just tell ourselves these things to make “everything” count?   There is the premise that everything happens for a reason, and if that is true then something bigger must be responsible for that reason. I subscribe to this theory. I do believe in something, but am never clearly sure what.

When I received my kidney there had to be a reason. There had to be a plan. There had to be an answer for why a 36-year-old Hispanic woman was now dead. There had to be a reason why I spent 9 days in an ICU as her kidney became mine, learned to function in my foreign body, learned to adapt in a woman more Italian than not, more optimist than pessimist even in the darkest hours. There has to be a god.

I thank God daily or at least try to. But is my god your god?

I hope not.

My god doesn’t require me to announce allegiance.

My god does not allow me to drop my mistakes in his hands and ask him to fix them.

My god does not want me to prove he is better than yours.

My god is not spiteful and out to get the heathens. My god celebrates the heathens.

My god celebrates my doubt, and allows me to struggle through each day until I find a way to make peace.

My god does not ask if I am agnostic. My god knows I am.

My god doubts if I will ever find what I need, but is willing to be there when I do.

My God is in you.

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